Saturday, June 9, 2007

Tanned All Over

My sister (as seen below) showed up recently with the most beautiful, even, all over tan I have ever seen. Of course, I asked how and where she got it and she confessed that she had gone in for a "Mystic Tan". This is done in a tanning salon with a spray application of "active tanning solution" within a private booth. Thursday, I got my Mystic Tan; here's how it went:

At the salon, I was greeted by a bubbly, very tanned young woman who advised me that I should do this at Level 2. She did not provide a color chart or a before and after photo, so I had to take her word for it and promptly paid my fee. Then I was told to sit before a TV monitor and to watch a 5 minute video on how to get my Mystic Tan. I should have known that, a) any procedure that requires video preparation is suspect; and b) the producers will glamorize any video possible, even one about tanning.

After being completely confused and now, even frightened but still wanting that golden glow, I followed my bubbly, bronzed goddess to a small room number 22, was told to go in and "go for it". Once inside room #22, I saw a large, silver tube-shaped device that reminded me of the sleeping chamber for Ripley from the Aliens movie. The door, I was told, opens and closes with a movement sensor and a wave of the hand. I was also to start the process with another movement-sensor device.

So I undressed, removed all jewelry, put on a hairnet, greased my palms, fingernails, and feet then almost fell down as a slipped across the floor to my space tube. I looked around for the goggles that were to be provided but did not find them. Not wanting to have to go out of room # 22 to look for Miss Bronze Bubbly while greased, hairnetted and naked, I decided I could keep my eyes closed instead and waved my hand in front of the door device. The door opened slowly and a female, robot voice began giving me further instructions. I waved my hand in front of the start device, was told by the robo-voice to step onto the platform and assume the position (legs spread, arms out to side like a scarecrow and holding one's breath) and the countdown started.

I expected a gentle misting to take place; however, this baby shot tanning solution at a velocity I was not expecting nor quite ready for. (Be advised that while "in the position", do not overdo the stance.) But I held on, held my breath and kept my position. The frontal assault stopped and I was instructed to turn around and assume to position for the rear assault, did so, held my breath and took the second volley.

Once the shooting was over, I opened my eyes, at first thinking I was now blind, but soon realized the tube was still filled with a fog, took my first breath and sputtered and coughed. So, I groped desparately around inside my pod to find door sensor to freedom. Once I found it, it opened spilling me gasping and groping with squinting eyes out onto a slippery tiled floor. I lunged forward, found my towel, and wiped off much of what was on my face and body. My vision cleared and my normal breathing returned. I realized that there was tanning solution in my ears, up my nose and probably in various other places where tanning is not normal. (Q-tips are provided to correct this.)

I dressed slowly, so as not to fall on the slippery tile, and gathered my jewelry and other belongings. I left feeling a little shakey. Miss Bronze Bubbly greeted me and asked "How was it?", but, of course, I lied and said "Fine." I stopped in front of a mirror to fix my hair and check my look before leaving and realized that I had already started to get that fantastic, all over, bronze tan I had wanted!

So, I made another appointment.

Respit - Phase 7
18 x 20" colored pencil drawgin

Respite - Phase 8
18 x 20" colored pencil drawing

No comments: