Jackass X-Treme Game Contestant

New Work in Progress

8 x 10" colored pencil on Ampersand pastel board

Last week was supposed to be a great jumping off point for me to begin working on my new goals for 2008. I was ready for my son to go back to school and to begin to regain some ground which is always lost professionally during the holidays. Well, twas not to be.

Instead, I participated in my own form of X-treme gaming: pot diving. What?!, you say. Well, I tripped and fell face-first into a clay flowerpot. Big flowerpot; broke it to bits, too. We're still not sure how this happened as I do not remember much and the doctor says I have a very nice thing called accident amnesia. He says, trust him, it's a really, really good thing. I do.

After being knocked unconscious and my husband calling the ambulance (the fire truck came, too, lucky me), I was whisked off to the hospital because not only was I bleeding a lot, but both arms were numb. Many tests and five stitches later, I was cleared to go home.

Nice, huh?

While healing up nicely from my facial wounds, my neck, shoulders, arms and hands aren't faring so well - they all work fine, just hurt like hell. (I have a very high tolerance for pain having delivered three babies without anesthesia and running a marathon, so you know I mean it when I say it really, really hurts.) The doctor thinks it may be nerve damage - gad - and therefore could take some time to heal.

Here I must add that I am extremely happy and lucky that I was not hurt more severely. Doc also says it could have been SO much worse. I am counting my blessings.

Though I am very, very grateful that I live in a time of wonder drugs and extraordinary pain medicine, I can totally understand now why drug addicts do not do a lot. (I never did drugs in high school or college like some other people I knew back then; but now I have first hand knowledge of what all the fuss was about, along with an understanding of why drug addicts aren't highly functioning members of society.) I am able to get a little work done during the phase where the drugs just begin to kick in and dull the pain, but right before they make me totally blotto. So bear with me, I may be a little behind for a while, but I'll try to post something here for you to see as often as I can until I'm 100 percent.

I have had to laugh at the whole ordeal because it is truly a funny and absurd way to hurt oneself. I have convinced my young son that I am a ninja warrior now because only ninjas can break clay pots with their faces (don't think he really believes me). My older kids have tried to get me to watch some godawful show called "Jackass" which I could never watch all the way through and hated immediately, but I now feel totally qualified to participate. I have also compiled a list of X-treme game ideas for those of us who don't care about our limbs, digits, backs or faces:

1. Pot diving (explained above)
2. Tree sliding: competitors race to climb a very tall tree and then slide down all while wearing a bathing suit.
3. Horseshoe catching: first made popular as a drinking game at family reunions in the south.
4. Blindfolded Woodworking: competitors finishing this event with all their digits, wins.
5. Uphill mowing: same as above.
6. Over the handle bar dismount: For bicycle enthusiasts who are new to hand braking.
7. SSSS: Slippery Stair Sock Slide. (Most people have participated in this event without ever entering a competition.)
8. Swinging from the rain gutter gymnastic event (no safety net or reachable ladder nearby): Competitor who can hold on the longest, wins.
9. Screw-driver-in-the-socket endurance event: Competitor who can let go first, wins.
10. Broketoe Steeplechase: Night run through a dark house. Competitors who can complete the course without swearing out loud wins.

I think I'll just sit out next year's competition.